


Raising Robert

by dezza



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Inspired by a Movie, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-06 14:56:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11038509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dezza/pseuds/dezza
Summary: Inspired by the time Robert was the only adult living at the Woolpack, and had been left in charge of two teenagers.  This led to single-dad Robert and I remembered the movie "Rasing Helen"(2004) and made my own little spin on it:“When Robert Sugden drove away, a burning car wreck in the rear-view mirror and his father’s command to leave and never come back ringing in his ears, he was certain he would never go back to Emmerdale ever again.But when he finds himself the sole guardian of his estranged children after the death of his ex-wife, he struggles to cope with a rebellious teenage daughter and a grief-stricken little boy on his own.There is a place where he has people willing to help, a place for the children to heal and for the three of them to grow as a family, but it means giving up the life and career he built for himself in London.Is he ready to leave it all behind and is he ready to go back home?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Eventual Aaron/Robert  
> Noah has de-aged a little and is about 9 years old in this

 

**Chapter 1**

  
It took some time before the sound registered as something more than a weak noise in the background of his dreams. When it finally did it still took him time to wake up enough to understand that it was his phone going rampant somewhere among the clothes strewn around on the floor.

  
Finally, locating the phone he looked down at the screen and saw a number he didn’t recognise. Who on earth would call him at 4 in the morning from a phone number he didn’t even know? For a second he considered just leaving it, but his curiosity got the better of him. He swipes to answer.

“Finally!” an angry voice screamed from the other end of the line. Robert recoiled away from the phone.

“Robert? Are you there or not, you bastard! Can you answer?”

“Helen? What on earth are you doing? I thought we were done with the late night, drunk calling with thinly wailed death threats years ago,” he answered his former sister-in-law sarcastically when he recognised the voice on the other end of the line.

“Can you just shut that trap of yours and just listen for once,” a clearly tired and exhausted Helen retorted.

“Just because you make it so compelling.” He just wanted to hang up; he couldn’t phantom that she had anything remotely interesting to say. Robert just wanted to go back in bed and maybe wake up the body he could currently see turning around there, he unconsciously licked his lips by the prospect of what might happen when he did.

  
He had never sobered as quickly as he did with the next words coming from Helens mouth;  
“Sammy is dead, Robert.” He could hear her voice break. ‘It was an accident on the M2. She was still breathing when they brought her to the hospital, but she never regained consciousness.’

  
Robert felt an ice cold chill go down his spine and it was like his lungs sized up, denying him air. He struggled to make sense of what Helen had just told him, when it hit him like a ton of bricks: What about the kids? Had the kids been in the car with her?

“What about the kids?” he cried out, trying to drown out the ever growing noise in his head. “What about the kids, Helen! Were they in the car?”

It felt like a lifetime before Helen’s thankfully clear and loud ‘No’ came thru. His knees gave out under him and kneeling on his kitchen floor he felt the air coming back to his lungs and he could breathe again. His kids were okay, the kids were okay, he repeated to himself like a mantra.

“I need you to come down here, Robert. We have to tell them what has happened.”  
He ended the phone call with Helen, promising he would be there as soon as he could.  
                                       

* * *

 

Robert didn’t really remember how he got to his car and only came to himself speeding down the A2 passing Bexley. What Robert did remember was being 14 years old, sitting in a sterile-smelling, too bright hospital room, holding his mum’s cold hand, knowing she would never wake up again. Now he was going to have to deliver the same devastating news to his own 14-year-old daughter and his 9-year-old son; that the most important person in their lives was gone. Forever.

  
Should he let them see her? Would there be a showing? What state was the body in? Images of Sammy’s broken body suddenly filled his head.  Oh God! Robert was able to throw the car onto the shoulder of the road, before he was out of the car, the content of his stomach decorating the tarmac.

“Dealing well here, Sugden” he mumbled to himself, drying off his forehead with his jumper. He found some orange juice from yesterday’s lunch, getting the foul taste out of his mouth. He got back into the car and continued towards Canterbury.

  
Turning onto Ethelbert Road, trying to find somewhere to park, he suddenly realised he didn’t know where to go. A & E? Would she even be there anymore? Digging out his phone from his front pocket he looked at the clock; 6,24 am. 2 hours and 15 min after Helen had called him, he called her back.

An hour later they were sat at the kitchen table in Sammy’s house, Noah still sleeping blissfully unaware of the news waiting when he woke up. They didn’t expect Liv to be home before later in the morning. They had sent a text asking her to come back early, but as yet, it stood unread and unanswered.

 

* * *

 

It was nearly noon before Liv came home from her friend’s house, where she had spent the night.

It had given Robert some time with Noah, which had been nice; it had been a while since he had seen them. Far too long a voice whispered in the back of his mind, he ignored it, he always did, it was second nature by now.

  
They hadn’t told Noah about Sammy yet, having decided to wait for Liv to come back, so it had been up to Robert to distract him seeing as Helen could hardly look at Noah without breaking down in tears. He wondered if Noah would remember it down the line; how his dad had taken him out riding his bike and kicking a ball around, all the while knowing his mum was laying cold and dead on a slate in a hospital freezer. Would he blame him for not telling him, for letting him have fun? Would he wonder how his father was so seemingly emotionally detached when their aunt could hardly hold it together? It wasn’t even the truth, every fibre of his being was aching for Sammy, for Noah and Liv, and even for Helen! He knew how close the sisters had been. And he ached for himself, for the memories of the woman he had called his wife for nearly a decade, who had given him two children, and the woman who, when he had bought them a house, was the one who turned it into a home. Sammy had given Robert something he thought he would never have again - a home and family.

  
While Noah had taken his dad suddenly turning up on the door in stride, it was never going to be that easy with Liv, and it should come as no surprise that the first words coming out of her mouth when she saw him were:

“What is he doing here?” glaring at him, but talking to her aunt.

“Mum!” Liv yelled to the house in general. He could hear Helen’s chocked sob, but it didn’t seem like Liv had, as she continued, now looking right at Robert with a sneer hauntingly like his own; “Couldn't stand to be in the same house as you? Did she do a runner when she saw that poncey car of yours?”

“Liv, sit down, will you please.” Robert was tired, he had 3 hours sleep the last 24 hours and he already felt emotionally drained, and the worst part wasn’t even over. He hoped she would take the hint and understand the severity of the situation. She seemingly did and reluctantly sat down, her posture tense.

It was Helen who told them. Liv had clammed up imminently, frozen in her seat, withdrawing into herself.

“But she can’t be dead! She hasn’t seen my science project yet!” Noah whispered looking at Robert. “She promised she would look at it before I handed it in…”

“She’s dead, Noah! And you keep nattering on about some stupid science project!” Liv cried out.

“Liv! Sit down! And show some consideration okay.” Robert said sternly. A moment Robert was sure Liv was going to explode, then she turned to her aunt.

“Like I said when I came in; what’s he doing here?” She looked back at Robert with disdain  
“What _are_ you doing here? It’s not like you cared about her … or us. Just go home, dad. Just go.” With those words she turned around and left the kitchen, leaving a stunned Robert in her wake. He got up to follow her, but Helen's hand on his arm stopped him.

“Leave her be for now”

He nodded and for the next couple of hours he sat with Noah in his arms, answering questions he didn’t always have the answer to and in the end as the reality, at least to some extent, sunk in and the tears came, he let Noah cry himself to sleep.

He sat stroking the blond curls out of Noah’s face when Helen came into the living room and handed him a cup of tea. He nodded and gave her a faint smile.

“Should we check up on her?” he said, nodding towards the stairs.

“I already have. I was up there earlier with some tea and a sandwich. She was on her bed, don’t think she was sleeping, though. She will come down when she is ready.”

Robert carefully manoeuvred Noah off him and took the throw tossed across the back of the sofa and put it over him. Stretching out his long limbs, he looked down on his son. He had grown so much the last year and when they were kicking some ball around earlier he had noticed how much his footy had improved too.

  
It made Robert realise he hadn’t made to any matches so far this season, neither his nor Liv’s for that matter. It had just been so hectic at work and then there had been other obligations back in London, so the drive down had seemed unnecessary long to look at 14 9-year-olds run around on a mini-pitch for 40 minutes. He probably should have tried harder, shouldn’t he? The thought of those horrifying seconds back in his kitchen, thinking that the kids had been in the car too, that he might have lost them sent chills down his spine.

He would do better, he silently promised the sleeping boy, pressing a light kiss on top of the golden head of his son.

  
He went into the kitchen to see if he could dig up something to eat and realised he hadn’t eaten anything since last night. Helen was sitting in a chair staring into space, with a cup of tea gone cold in front of her.

“I need some food. Want something? “

“No” shaking her head, as if shaking herself out her reverie. “No, I don’t… I… I don’t feel like eating anything right now, thank you.”

  
If he was honest neither did he, but he also knew he needed something remotely nutritious to keep going. He ended up with a bowl of muesli and yoghurt, with some fruit on a plate on the side, remembering Sammy’s “cut- and- peal- it-and-they-will-eat-it”-strategy for fruits and vegs which she used frequently with the kids.

  
“You know she learnt that trick from me right?” Helen said, nodding towards the plate of finely diced and peeled fruits finding its way to the table in front of her. She took a piece of honey melon, smiling sadly losing herself in a memory he was not privy to.

“What are you planning to do, Robert?” He looked at her confused. “What are you planning to do with the kids?”

“I’ve been thinking” she started a little hesitant, looking like she was steeling herself. “They should stay here, with me and Grant I mean. That way they can stay here in Faversham, with their school and friend and family. This is where their life is, Robert. We can offer them a far more stable life than you and I can’t imagining you are very interested on giving up on your lifestyle.” The last word was laced with distain, making it perfectly clear what she meant about said _lifestyle._  She looked more confident, almost defiant, staring straight at him this time.

“So I just leave them here with you then, go back to London? How often should I come visit do you think? Should I bother coming for parent-teacher conferences or would you and Grant deal with that to? Have you called Grant and asked him to sign up as a coach for Noah’s team yet?” He was seething. Who did this woman think she was?

“Calm down, Robert!”

“Calm down?! Are you daft? While I sat with my, did you hear that, Helen? MY boy! My crying boy, you sat in here plotting how to take them away from me?”

“Oh, yeah Robert? Who did comfort that same boy last weekend when he fell off his bike?” She snorted when she saw the puzzled look on his face. “Did you even know, Robert? Did you know he sprained his wrist last week? You didn’t did you?!” she hissed, nearly triumphant.  
“Oh, and did you hear your daughter when she saw you or when she stormed up the stairs? She can’t stand the sight of you! Because. You. Have. Not. Been. Here!” emphasising every word with a finger tapping the table.

He shoved his chair from the table, getting up, barely holding his anger back.

“I was not the one to drag Sammy and the kids down here! You did! We had a plan, Helen! Sammy and me! Back in London! Where the kids had school and friends, a home, a family! Didn’t matter to you back then!”

  
“You can try to pin your failure as a husband and a father on me all you like, Robert Sugden, but we both know, I was not the one working at all hours, it wasn’t me who could hardly fit in time with his family, who slept with someone else!   _You_ did all of that! When she finally had the sense to leave you, she needed family around, to help her take care of the kids, and from what you had shown earlier it wasn’t going to be you!” Helen sneered viciously.

Robert felt every word like a knife stabbing him. Yes, Helen was right, he had done all of that. He had worked hard, putting in the hours so they could have a proper life. A good life! A life Sammy and the kids deserved. That _he_ deserved. It had been the wrong thing apparently, and not long after Noah  was born, things had really taken a turn for the worse, and nothing he did seemed good enough or the right thing to do. So he had worked more, spent more time smooching up to clients with late night dinners and some easy flirtation. It beat coming home to a nagging wife and screaming kids. At least at work, he felt appreciated, so it had been easy to just stay away, and pretend he didn’t see Sammy’s ever-growing frustration and anger. He didn’t even pretend to be surprised when she told him she wanted a divorce. The divorce itself had actually been amicable as far as divorces go and the prevalent feeling was one of grief and loss, rather than anger or petty feuds.

  
They had been good together, he and Sammy. For a while, they had been really good together and good _for_ each other, and they had built this beautiful life and family together. Hearing Helen reducing that life down to its failures, more accurate, _his_ failures hurt more than he had anticipated. No one knew better than him how he had failed, how he had lost his second chance to have a family, in less than a decade. Apparently, he wasn’t meant for family life, was he? But this was his kids, they had already lost their mum, maybe it was time they got their father back.

  
Taking a deep breath, he looked at Helen: “I don’t know what will happen in the future. I am sure you and sweet old Grant have some continuity plan in case of accidental death, but I don’t and I am pretty sure Sammy didn’t either. Right now my concern is getting those kids through the next few days and then their mother’s funeral. Whatever else will just have to wait.”

“They need security and predictability.”

“Which is why I am not going to make any plans for them while being sleep deprived and emotional, but let me make one thing very clear: Those are my kids and I love them. Think whatever else you want about me, but never doubt that.”

With does words he left the kitchen and walked into the living room, curling up on the sofa, intending to catch up on some sleep before the kids woke up again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The next few days was a strange mix of chaos and a timid silence where they all tiptoed around each other trying to find their bearing in this new situation.

There was so much to organise and things that needed to be done, not only for the funeral but also the kids move to London. Robert, who always had dealt with crises by working himself through them, found himself in a constant state of trying to find the balance of getting things sorted and let the kids get their heads around what had happened.

The first thing to be organised was the funeral and getting the kids through it, letting them see her and let them take their final farewells.  
Samantha Alicia Sugden née Buckley was put to rest a sunny spring day, it was a beautiful affair, with flowers in abandon. Sammy had been loved and cherished by many. Among all the beautiful and elaborate flowers-arrangements was a simple bouquet of wildflowers, an homage to a picnic in Knole Park years ago. A picnic that had led to an unexpected baby and an equally unexpected proposal, it was a thank you for the life they created together, for the happiness they had found and lost, and to a love that would never be forgotten.

Noah had clung to him the entire day, but Liv had kept to herself. The sight of his gorgeous strong girl standing stoically by her mother’s grave nearly broke him, but this wasn’t about him, so he kept it together, stayed strong because that was what they needed from him right now.

* * *

 

To say the move to London was without challenges and went without a hitch would be the understatement of the year; actually, it would be a right out lie. Liv stuck her heels in instantly, fighting him every step of the way, but within a month and at the end of spring break both she and Noah were attending their new school in London.

Okay, so attending wasn’t always the right words to use when it came to Liv. Apparently there wasn’t one thing that was right about her new school; the uniform was ‘lame, itchy and was designed at the same time as the school’ (1823), the teachers were all ‘imbeciles’, and even the loos were wrong, something about ‘the insults on walls being so outdated they should be ashamed of themselves’.

“We do understand that the situation is difficult, Mr Sugden, but Olivia’s behaviour is simply not acceptable and we have difficulty to see how we should proceed from here.”

Robert looked across the table to the uptight woman on the other side of the outrageously huge desk, making even him feel small and he wondered if that was the intention.  
Liv sitting in the chair next to his, looking every part the delinquent the school painted her as, glaring at Mrs Dixon, couldn’t even sit back properly in the chair if she wanted to keep her feet on the floor.

“So what you are telling me is that this school, despite your outrages fees, don’t even have the ability to deal with a simple case of a teenager acting out? Her behaviour should come to no surprise to you; I remember being in this exact office not even 2 months ago explaining our situation, trying to make sure my children was left in capable hands in this difficult time of their life. You assured me they would be taken care of and now you are telling me you have failed. Not only have you failed, but you have the audacity to blame a young vulnerable girl for your shortcomings? What kind of establishment are you running here?”

Walking out of the school 10 minutes later, with smug smile and assurances that Liv would not only get counselling, but extra tutoring to make up the missing course work, Liv looked at him:

“You know I glued him to the chair, right?”

“Oh yes, but If he was dressed as hideous and ill-fitting as her I’d say he had it coming”

“Said the man in the floral print…”

He mocked glared at her before giving her a smile. It felt good being united against a mutual enemy rather than fighting each other for a change.

“So are you really not going to punish me for it at all?”

They had reached the car and they both got in, put their seatbelts on. He turned the key before he answered.

“Counselling and tutoring sound like fun to you?” He struggled to not laugh when he saw her face fall.

“Ah, there is the glare I know and love”

The peace lasted till they got home and Liv stumbled over some of Noah’s toys going into their shared room.

Robert’s apartment (‘it’s still a flat, no matter how posh and how much you paid for it’ thank you for the input, Liv) wasn’t meant for three people to live in on a daily basis. When the kids had come up for weekends they had stayed in what doubled as the office when they were not around, it hadn’t been ideal then and it definitely wasn’t ideal now.

“Why didn’t you just keep our old house? I had nice room there, with a great view and a window that could be opened properly!” Liv banged the palm of her hand on the window. “And I didn’t share with Noah and all his crap!”

“I didn’t need the space with only me there. It was silly to keep it and I got a good price” he answered her flippantly, hoping she would let the topic drop, so off course she didn’t.

“When did you sell it?”

“What?”

“How much time was it between us moving out till you sold the house? Because I can’t remember ever being back there after we moved. So did you sell it right away?”

“A month, maybe two… I don’t remember, Liv! Why does it matter?”

Robert knew it was the wrong answer the moment he saw Liv got the cold look in her eyes, shutting him out again.

“You were so sure we would never be a family again that you sold the house a month after mum moved us out? You couldn’t wait to get rid, could you? To get rid of all of us and every trace that we ever were a family!”  
She turned on her heels and walked out of the room. Seconds later he could hear the door to the toilet being slammed shut.

Robert was left standing in the now empty room. Maybe he should have told her the truth; that he sold the house only 3 years ago. That he had kept the house for nearly 3 years, not because he had any illusion of them ever being a family ever again –he knew he had blown his chances there, but because … honestly, he didn’t know the exact reason why he had kept it. Maybe because for those first few years he had wanted to keep a hold on to something from the life they had. But at the same time, he couldn’t stand to live in what now felt like a big empty house, a constant reminder of how he had failed. So he bought himself an apartment closer to the luxury car dealership he worked at and put as much distance between his old and new life as possible – physically and emotionally.

The sight of his daughters back walking out on him yet again made it abundantly clear what else he had distanced himself from.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t only the kids that needed to adapt to this new life. For the last years, Robert had emerged himself into his work and he had done well, very well. The money was good, the bonus on top even better and it was easy to be drawn into the lavish lifestyle of their clients.

The kind of clients demanding not only the best in luxury bespoke vehicles but also demanded full access to your time and attention. Their clients was a highly selective and particular set of people, and they were not used to or had no understanding of being put on hold for calls from school administrators, family dinners or sick kids, as it turned out.

Robert had considered hiring some help, but there was a part of him that wanted to show Helen she was wrong, that he could handle his own kids on his own, thank you very much.  
Helen was still on his case, still on about how Grant and she could offer a more stable life for them and how Robert’s way of life wasn’t suited for raising two children on his own and how it was only a matter of time before Robert would grow tired of the kids and would want ‘his old life back.’

His ‘old life’, according to Helen meant fine dining, partying in exclusive clubs and hooking up with random and different men and woman every week. Robert called it business dinners and cultivating customer relation, and while it did involve dinner and drinks and the occasional adult entertainment club Robert was very much working. As far as the random hook ups went, he would admit to a healthy sex life, but it was probably not as frequent or wild as Helen was imagined it to be.

It was a way of life that was difficult to combine with family life and maintaining it while being a single parent? Near impossible, but there was no way he would admit that, especially not to Helen.  
But things have a way to reveal themselves anyway.

Being a single parent, with a full-time job was hard enough – being a single parent to a sick kid was even more of a challenge as it turned out.

When school called and said Noah claimed a stomach ache Robert didn’t take him too seriously, the little guy had a tough time lately and where his sister would be angry and vocal, even her silences would speak volumes, Noah would go quiet and retreat into himself, in many ways making him harder to read than Liv. Robert had figured Noah just need a little time off, and as long as it didn’t become a habit Robert wasn’t going to make a big deal of it, but that didn’t mean he could take time off work to babysit him back home, so Robert had taken Noah back to work with him, and left him in his office with something to drink and his phone.

He had nearly forgotten Noah was there, trying to reconcile a client’s unreasonable demands with actual laws of physics without calling said client a dimwit out loud when he heard what only can be called a high-pitched shriek from the showroom.

Apparently, Noah had gone out to the showroom, played around in the cars there and ended up vomiting all over the bespoke leather upholstery of the Porsche Panamera they were meant to deliver the day after. The moment he saw the look in his boss’ eye he was sure his career was over. He had called in the cleaning crew, asking them to do their best. He would pay! Just get it done and done well! These guys were good and had a lot of experience cleaning up and restoring upholstery. They were the best, that’s why they worked here.

He had taken Noah to the toilet got him cleaned up, all in complete silence, only when they were back in his office things had come to a head. In hindsight, Robert knew it had been an overreaction, but right then and there Robert had only seen the career he had worked so hard for and sacrificed so much for going down the drain.

“What were you thinking? You were supposed to stay in here! Have you any idea what you have done?” Robert was furious and his voice raised.

“What were you doing out there anyway? You are supposed to be sick!”

“And that’s why he should have been at home!” came Liv’s angry voice from the door. “But no, you couldn’t take the time off could you?! God forbid you ever considered our needs first!”

“Liv! What are you doing here?”

“Leaving! And taking Noah with me!” She took hold of Noah in one hand, his backpack in the other and stormed out of his office, and before Robert understood what was happening and had the sense to set after them they had left the building and was nowhere to be seen on the street outside.

Robert reached for his phone and tried calling Liv first, then Noah. Unsurprisingly none of them answered. Looking around on the busy street Robert considered trying to go after them, but where would he go? They could have taken any which way. After a short deliberation, he figured they would go the tube and ran to towards the station. 15 minutes of frantic searching and fruitless running between platforms later he was back outside. He had no idea where they had gone! They had probably gone back home, right? They had nowhere else to go in the city. They had to have gone back home. Please, let them have gone back home, he thought again before running his hand thru his hair for the umpthed time for the last hour and turning to back to the dealership.

Robert hurried into his office, grabbed his jacket and keys before he headed for the manager’s office, passing by Lawson's office he saw his client. Fuck! He had all but forgotten about Mr Jersey and now Lawson of all people was dealing with him?! Robert was seconds from going into Lawson’s office and all but demanding his client back, when a voice, eerily similar to Liv’s sneered “priorities’ in his head. “Fuck that..” he mumbled to himself before continuing to his boss’ office. If he was honest he was more sorry to see the bonus disappear then the client himself. Thinking about it; Mr Jersey and dear old Lawson deserved each other. With any luck, they would drive each other crazy. Robert knocked on Mr Coles office door.

“Robert! If this about the car, we’ll deal with it…”

“Thank you, but…” cut his boss short. Maybe not the brightest of ideas, considering the day's event, but he needed to get out of here as quick as possible. “… I need the rest of the day off. The kids ran off and I need to find them. They probably ran home, but I need to just go and check on them. Liv is old enough to navigate the tube and all, but.. “

This time Mr Cole was the one to interrupt:

“It’s okay, Robert. Lawson has got Mr Jersey under control, so go home and see to your kids, okay? Then we see you back here in morning!”

He gave Robert a quick half-a-smile Robert didn’t quite know how to interpret.

* * *

  
4 hours after leaving Mr Coles office Robert was ready to call the police.

The kids had not been at home. He had kept calling them, leaving more and more desperate messages on their voice mail. Where could they have gone? They didn’t know anybody here. At least not that he knew about. He had paid attention! He had! He really had tried to pay attention when they told him about stuff that had happened at school, but he couldn’t recall them talking about someone in particular. They were in a new place, where they hardly knew anybody…

Except that wasn’t true, was it! Liv had spent her first 8 years in this city, in reality, she had lived longer here than she had in Faversham! Could she have gone back to their old neighbourhood?

She hadn’t. Sitting parked outside their old house Robert had reached the end of his tether. It was time to call the police. He had search thru the main train stations and bus terminals, the school, the park outside their apartment. He had even called some hospitals! Noah had been sick, maybe he had gotten worse. Maybe something had happened to them! The thought of all that could happen to them made him feel sick, but Liv was a smart girl, he knew that. She was also unbearably stubborn!

And right now she wouldn’t be found, at least not by him. They could have gone anywhere and the city was big, and he was only one man. He needed help. It was time to call the police. Robert took a deep breath, stealing himself when a message came on his phone. It was from Helen.

He opened the text, it simply said: “The kids are home with us.”

30 minutes later Robert was passing Bexley.


	3. Chapter 3

 

  
“They don’t want to see you, Robert!”

  
“I am not in the mood for this, Helen. Just let me in or send them out here so we can go back home.”

Robert was tired; the whole day had been a disaster from the start. He just wanted to get the kids, go back home, sleep, wake up in the morning and deal with it all then.

  
“You want to take them back? Are you kidding me?! Do you really think I will let them go away with you again?”

  
What was the silly cow on about now? Robert just wanted this day to be over and now he was stuck here trying to reason with this woman.

  
“Not only do you leave them to wander the streets of London all by themselves, you can’t even bother to take them home when they are sick, Liv is skiving and getting into trouble and you can’t even be bothered to find a decent place for them to live. It isn’t like you can’t afford a bigger place so what’s your excuse this time? Let me guess: you had to work? But let me tell you what this is really about, Robert, it is you not taking the time to consider _their_ needs and what is best for _them_! This is what it has always been about; you being a selfish prick!”

Over the years Helen and he could have never been considered friends, but the hate he saw in the older woman's eyes at the moment was unexpected even to him.

  
“Who do you think, Robert, is the one who has picked up the pieces after you all these years? Who do you think sat with Sammy on the phone when she was scared and alone with a sick kid, while you were out wining and dining some clients, who do think she came to see when she found out you were sleeping around?”

Helen was working herself up in a real state now, tears threatening to break from the crock of her eyes.

“Who do you think tried to explain to your kids over and over again why you didn’t come to sports day or football matches or bloody teacher conferences?”

 Helen was wiping away angry tears from her eyes now.  


“You never deserved her! Never! And you certainly don’t deserve them!”

  


For a moment everything went quiet around them. Robert opened his mouth to say something but stopped himself. He had no defence, because a part of him afraid that Helen was right; that he didn’t deserve them. It felt like everything came crashing down. He couldn’t deal, not now.

Liv and Noah were safe, they were where they apparently wanted to be and for now, that had to be enough.

  
With a final look at Helen, he turned around, got back in his car and drove off.  
  


* * *

 

From the upstairs window, Liv watched as her dad’s car turned out onto the main road.  


She had never meant for it to end this way. It had just been a shit day at school, some idiot sending some stupid texts and the teachers being boring and…, the day had just been shit, okay?! So when she came to pick up Noah and she saw her dad giving him an earful for being sick? Well, she had lost it, grabbed Noah and run out of there.

  
Right then and there it felt like the right thing to do, to go back home. Okay, not home, but at least down to Faversham. Where Mum used to be. It had been a shit day and she just wanted to be close to her mum. All Liv had wanted to do was to curl up in her mum’s arms and surround herself with the feel and smell that was just Mum, that was safety, that was home.

  
Only as she sat looking out the window of the train and saw the high rises of the city give way to suburbs and green and yellow fields did she realise it would never happen. Not now, not ever.  


They had called Aunt Helen to come pick them up. She was part ecstatic and part pissed. Ecstatic to see them, pissed at Dad. The same as usual in other words.

  
It wasn’t like Liv didn’t understand the sentiment; she had spent some much time being angry and pissed at Dad these last years, and now she was stuck living with him! It made you acutely aware of exactly how annoying he could be. The thing was though; she had missed living with him. She had missed him! When she was younger he was the kind of dad that would throw everything aside on Wednesday evenings because that was their night – that was the one day of the week Dad was responsible for bath time and bedtime. It was always chaos and always fun and he made the best voices for “Treasure Island”! He was also the kind of dad that would throw all dignity aside and hop around on a dance mat, throwing his long limbs around just to please her. Liv was sure there was a video of that somewhere. It didn’t make him dad of the year material, but he was hers and he was there.

  
She knew he was trying. She knew he had been looking into a new place for them to live and she had seen him working thru the night and she knew it was because she had spent the day with them. She knew he was trying and she knew she didn’t always make it easy on him.

  
Liv had heard them, that first night, him and Helen, arguing over them and where she and Noah should live. Liv had been so happy and proud her dad had stuck up for himself, for the three of them to be a family. Not that Aunt Helen was all bad, a little stuck-up for sure and Uncle Grant was the poster boy for boring, but they were okay. It was just that she had just lost her Mum, so it felt good to know she at least still had her dad.

  
Hearing him get an earful from Aunt Helen and watching him leave without saying anything made her question whether or not still had him. Why wasn’t he willing to fight for them this time? Had she gone too far?

* * *

 

  
“I am a shit dad! The shittiest shits of shit dads!” Robert tried to take another hit of the whisky bottle but was stopped before he was able too.

  
“Hey, what are you doing? I need that!”

  
“You had plenty.” Conner unceremoniously tipped Robert head off his lap and got up off the sofa and went over to where the grey chinos were tossed over a chair. Pulling them over his shorts he looked over to see Robert putting on some slacks of his own.

  
“I could say ‘shittiest shits of shits’ just fine, without slurring – I need more!” Robert said after he more or less had stumbled into his slacks and had fallen back on the sofa.  


“You didn’t and trust me; you don’t”

  
He walked back over to the sofa and dumped himself next to Robert again.

  
“I have known you since we both was wide-eyed little pups trying to make it in a too big city, Sugden. We found common ground in skewed moral compasses and sharp tongues.”

  
“Always knew you liked my tongue”

  
“Shut up and listen: You have been an absolute crap parent, you have ditched your kids, you cheated on your wife and probably never did the dishes – basically you were a domestic disaster.”

  
“Thank you, ass hole! I know my kids hate me, my ex-sister-in-law hates me, my dead ex-wife hates me, my brother hates me, my dead dad hates me … wanna join the club? Old news! I am over it!”

  
“You’re not”

  
“Shut up. Everyone hates me and no one forgives me. That’s how it works, but I forgot that. You see I was stupid enough to think I maybe had a second chance with my kids. Guess what?! It didn’t work! Oh, and instead of trying to mend things with them? Do know what I did? I fled! I saw the hate in Helen's eyes and remembered every time Liv turned her back on me and how shit scared Noah looked at me while a yelled at him! Scared! Of me! My own kid is scared of me, Connor!”

  
“And at least you care that he is!”

  
They had both got up off the sofa and were standing facing each other. Connor took a deep breath before he continued: “Stop being a dramatic hoe and listen: you have messed up. You have messed up plenty of times, now and in the past… yeah, yeah, hold on, I have a point. Teenagers scream and slam doors, fuck I know I would look shit scared if a guy your size were standing over me a screaming…”

  
“You would have considered it foreplay…” Robert mumbled as he slumped down on the sofa again, sighing into his hands: “They are probably better off with Helen and Grant.”

  
“If you let me finish: Why do you think you and I work?”

  
Robert looked puzzled up at Connor. Worked? He didn’t even know it was a ‘you and I’.

  
“Because we don’t, Sugden! We fuck, we drink. That’s it! We leave things like feelings and expectation out of the equation. We keep it simple and uncomplicated. We shy away from any and all emotional attachments. Kids are nothing but emotional attachments and complicated expectations! And right now you are so scared of making it up to them because what if you mess it up all over and you lose them again?”

  
He was right; Robert was afraid. Even if he could make them come home this time around, what about the next time? He was bound to stuff it up again at some point. What then? Would they keep running back to Helen’s? Maybe that was where they wanted to be? What about Sammy, what had she wanted?

  
“Do you think Sammy had wanted them to stay with Helen? She and Grant have everything sorted; they have all this proper family stuff down pat.”

  
Having retrieved the rest of his clothes Connor buttoned up his shirt and pulled on his socks before he answered: “I have no idea what she had wanted, Robert, or if Mr and Mrs Stepford would be better parents than you. I am telling _you_ to stop running. Stop keeping them at bay, stop keeping yourself on the outskirts of their life. Whatever fuck-ups you have made will not be solved by staying away, so get your big boy pants and start being a parent.”

  
Checking his pockets for the essentials (keys, wallet and phone) Connor stood by the door of the apartment: “I know she never did it on her own though.” At Roberts’s confused expression he clarified: “Sammy. She always had family around whether that family was you or her sister, and let’s face it; she was a better parent than you, so why not ask for help? You can do what she did and go back home?” Connor gave Robert a half-hearted salute:” See you around, Sugden” and was out the door.

* * *

 

  
It was a partially sleep-deprived and hungover Robert Sugden that was called into his boss’ office the next day. He was met with more sympathy and understanding than he was expecting, it was slightly disturbing and he felt mildly (honestly terribly) middle-aged when Mr Cole started talking about how ‘it might be time to consider someone younger and less attached on the home front’ for some of his tasks.

  
“You are one of my best employees and have developed into one hell of a businessman over the years you have been here, so this is not me telling you to go” Mr Cole was quick to assure him. “This is simply an unexpected situation you have come into and we have to find a way to deal with it. Our clients are, as you are more than aware of, very demanding and they expect a lot. Your ability to talk them around, to entice them has brought good money into this business and something we would like to keep, but we might need to rethink your position here a little.”

  
Having been up all night ‘rethink your position’ translated to ‘let’s make you the bloody tea boy, why don’t we’ in Roberts' head and was a contributing factor for the next sentence coming out of his mouth: “You don’t have any vacancies up north have you?”

  
The thing was; Robert had a hard time getting Connor’s suggestion to go back home out of his head. He had sworn he would never set foot there ever again, but things had changed. A lot had changed since the last time Robert had been in Emmerdale. Being lost in his own head he startled when Mr Cole answered his question: “We do actually”

  
It turned out they had da job opening in Leeds, a manager position. Manage the staff, not the customer, meaning more predictable hours and better possibilities working from home when necessary and if he wanted the job it was his.

  
It seemed like Robert had some decisions to make.

* * *

 

  
When Robert drove away, a burning car wreck in the rear-view mirror and his father’s command to leave and never come back ringing in his ears, he was certain he would never go back to Emmerdale.

  
He had tried so hard to leave it all behind; the town, the people, the memories… the guilt and for most of the time it worked. At first, he had carried the bitterness and hate as a shield, not letting anyone close, trying to convince himself that he was better off on his own. The fact was it scared him; being by himself, feeling so utterly alone. So he tried harder, not letting anyone in meant no one could hurt him when they eventually left him – because they all did in the end.

  
Then came Sammy and Robert had dared to let some walls down, Liv and Noah had smothered every wall he had ever built and they had made a home in every part of his being. They were his and he could never lose them. Then he did.

  
So the walls had gone back up and once again Robert was on his own, it was for the better he had told himself, but you can’t truly lose something that is part of you, can you? Playing Fifa with Noah, singing Little Mix tunes with Liv, that none of them would ever admit to liking, in the car, sending them off to school in the morning, sending them to bed at night, reconnecting with them had some ways come so easy. They slipped past every wall there was because the truth was they never left.  


They had never left and it was time he stopped trying to push them away. It was time to stop running; from the past, from his responsibilities as a father and from his own fears of never being enough.

  
What they needed was a fresh start, a place where the kids could heal and a home for the three of them to grow as a family. A place where they had family; hands and hearts ready and willing to help when needed.

  
He fished his phone out of his pocket and found the number he wanted:  
“Marsh & Parsons Estate Agents. This is Rhonda speaking. How may I help you?” came a chipper voice on the other end.

  
“Yes, Hi, Rhonda it’s Robert Sugden. Forget London. See what you can find for me up north. Yorkshire to be precise. There this little place called Emmerdale, not far from Hotton. Find something for me there or as close as you can come.”

  
It was time to go back home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are finally off to Emmerdale ;)


End file.
